*Disclaimer: What you are about to read is true. Any likeness to actual events is intentional. The names of the persons involved have not been changed to protect the innocent.*

The following dialogue took place on the streets of a small southern Connecticut suburb between 1:05 and 1:10 AM on February 1, 2008.

Fireman: "Sir, please, remain calm and just try to explain what happened in your own words. Lead me through the details. Just start at the beginning."

Jamoke: "Hmm, that's a hard one to explain, but I'll do my best. (lights cigarette) The most popular scientific explanation is a theory known as the Big Bang- the cosmological model of the universe whose primary assertion is that the universe has expanded into its current state from a primordial condition of enormous density and temperature. See, scientists believe that all the matter and energy in the universe was contained in singular mass they refer to as..."

Robyn: "Stop being a smart ass, Jamoke!"

Fireman: "Not that far back, sir. Just the details of this evening will do."

Jamoke: "Oh, sorry. Well, first I picked up my girlfriend, Robyn, after her 12 hour shift at the hospital ended. I took her back to her place so she could hop in the bath and change clothes. I decided to play some Super Nintendo to pass the time since she takes so goddamn long in the bathroom."

Fireman: "My wife is the same way. Hmpf, women, am I right?"

Jamoke: "Fuckin' A."

Robyn: " 'Moke!"

Jamoke: "Sorry sweetie. *ahem* where was I? Anyway, afterwards we went out to do a little shopping, then we went back to my place and I cooked her dinner: seared chicken breast with a béarnaise sauce, seasoned with black pepper, basil, marjoram, thyme, cumin and rosemary and a squirt of lemon, with roasted garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli florets almondine sautéed in extra virgin olive oil with just a pinch of sea salt."

Robyn: "My Favorite. It was quite delicious."

Fireman: "I'm sure it was, ma'am, but please, just the relevant details if you would."

Jamoke: "Yes, of course. So after dinner we retired upstairs to the master suite to watch a little television. Of course we had to watch HER shows, like House Hunters and What Not to Wear and other crap like that."

Fireman: "My wife makes me watch the same HGN shit all the time too. I can't stand it."

Jamoke: "For real. Like I care to sit through a half-hour of two homosexuals re-arrange some one else's IKEA mail order furniture, or help some fat bitch pick a new wardrobe. Meanwhile, I'm missing the fucking Rangers game."

Robyn: "Hey!"

Jamoke: "Quiet, honey, the men are talking. Where did I leave off? Ah yes, so as we were lying in bed I decided I'd had enough of the TV and started working the patented Jamoke mojo. I pulled out the ol' bong and packed a few bowls of all-natural herbal panty peeler. I don't touch the stuff anymore, myself, but I know from experience when they smoke they poke."

Fireman: "That's how I first nailed my wife. Works every time."

(high five)

Robyn: "Hey!!!"

Jamoke: "So after setting the mood I started getting to work a little... 'south of the boarder,' know what I mean? (wink) Not to stroke my own ego, but when it comes to handling the meat curtains I can say with confidence that I pretty much am unequaled in form and technique. I slide in there head-first like Pete Rose stealing second and get to work hard like a Mexican day laborer, but with the grace and gentility of a veteran safecracker. Wasn't long before I had her combination down and unlocked the floodgates."

Robyn: "Yes, he's quite good. He does this counter-clockwise thing with his tongue that just sends me..."

Fireman: "Ahem, once again, please just stick to the important details, sir." (*whispering*) "psst, give me some pointers later."

Jamoke: "No problem. So after taking care of the Misses I was ready to move in for the kill. I proceeded to dominate the hole like Shaquille O'Neal, when we noticed the heavy odor of something burning in the room. At first we assumed it was the aroma of over-cooked food, possibly emanating from something one of my roommates was cooking in the kitchen downstairs."

Robyn: "They suck at cooking compared to him. They could burn a salad."

Jamoke: "True, I do kick ass in the kitchen, no argument there."

Fireman: "Sir, the point? What exactly was it that was burning?"

Jamoke: "Ah yes... well, it seems in my haste to kick off the bolony pony rodeo, I may have, accidentally, thrown my shirt over the lamp which may have, completely through no fault of my own, been set ablaze by the 75 watt light bulb there in. May have, I'm no forensic scientist, I don't know for sure how these things work, mind you, but I'm somewhat sure that might have been what set off the smoke alarm and summoned you fine gentleman here this evening."

Fireman: "So, what you're telling me, right here and now, is that I got woken up and called out at one in the morning because you were too busy screwing to notice an article of clothing beginning to smolder on top of a desk light?! Jesus Christ, a 75 watt light bulb would have taken 20 minutes to a half-an-hour to generate enough heat to ignite a cotton blend shirt! Are you bullshitting me or something?!"

Jamoke: "Sheesh, I wish. That was my favorite, "I'm Rick James, bitch" tee. Not to mention I was just getting warmed up too. For frigg's sake, I didn't even get to fire the main cannon."

Fireman: (blank stare)

Jamoke: "Hey, don't look at me that way. Believe me, I tried to climb back into the saddle, I was totally still ready to roll..."

Robyn: "...but nothing kills the mood like a room full of noxious fumes. Eyes welling with tears while uncontrollably gagging is not exactly a turn-on."

Jamoke: "Oh yeah? See Rule 36."

Fireman: "...Fuck this." (walking away) "What an asshole."

Jamoke: "Do you believe that, he just walked out on us. The nerve. I certainly will not be buying tickets to the annual Fireman's pancake dinner this year."